Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
