before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
