John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
