I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
