I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
