one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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