He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
