I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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