you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
