She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
