it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
