Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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