Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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