I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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