his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
