who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
