Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
