My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
