I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
