He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
