i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
