I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
