The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
