can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
