mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
