so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
