It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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