i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
