I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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