Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
