I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
