Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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