I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
