There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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