so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
