I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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