and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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