You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
