I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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