you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
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