Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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