nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I am midnight drunk by noon
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
