dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
