I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
