u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
