you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
