If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
