When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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