I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
