i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
