i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
