she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
