Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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